Shock and Vapor

I felt like I needed to 'write it out' in the hopes of clearing my mind; and so, you get chosen to listen..

A week ago tonight I was driving home from Alabama to spend Easter with my family.  How could I know in less than 5 days, my father would die.

How can someone be smiling and enjoying a meal and happy family time, then a few days later be in agony and struggling for breath..not even sure who or where he is at?

This man that I fought with and sometimes even hated--I also loved and sometimes, grudgingly, even admired--was such a force in my life that now I feel adrift.

I walk into his house and wonder where he is at.  Will he be back in just a moment?  There is his chair and book, just where he left them.  Even the glass half-filled with water, waiting for him to finish it.

Why can't I cry when I have such a ball of sadness pushing to escape my chest?  I can laugh and remember the good times, but cannot bring myself to speak of the anger and hurt that went before.  Better to just remember the good and let the bad things remain in the past.

I have not even finished raising my last child, but who else will take care of my mother?  Do I have the strength to cope?

I have heard the words so many times, but never before understood with such clarity, that life is truly just a vapor.  Here today and gone with the wind.

I was not ready for this.  I don't want to be the adult, the strong one.  I don't want to NEED to be.

I miss you, Dad..


...........
Thanks for letting me use you to listen.